i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
