Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
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I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
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If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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