remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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