I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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