HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
