Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
