You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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