I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
zippers are such a cool invention
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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