I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
