I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
