my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
