i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
