Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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