I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
