mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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