recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I want to be your penis for a week.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
