My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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