Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i think im in europe. pls send help
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
