Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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