Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
