1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
