just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
no. you can't hotbox the world.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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