i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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