I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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