I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
