you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
