I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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