my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish my penis had a tongue
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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