I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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