I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
