After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize