When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
