In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
