It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
