You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
