i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Boobs speak an international language.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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