You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
