she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
