accomplished twins. life is a go
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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