i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
