so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
