if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
