my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
