Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
