just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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