Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
