just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
