Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
