cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
