tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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