I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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