Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
