Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
