she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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