Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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