I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize