Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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